Manipulative Moony
by Quicquidlibet
Summary: Another title being "Predictable Prongs." 1. Remus Lupin wants alone time with Sirius Black. 2. James Potter sucks at unlocking doors. 3. Sirius Black is NOT Lily Evans. JP/LE, RL/SB


**This is what happens when me and theBrillianceofNight text each other as fictional characters. I am James, she is Sirius. The conversation was not changed.**

**We do not own Harry Potter.**

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James Potter swung himself into the door frame, blocking Sirius Black from entering their dorm room. "Padfoot," he began, "what would you do if Moony charmed me into believing you were Lily?"

Sirius shoved his hands in this pockets and responded immediately, not even stopping to think. "I'd run for a bomb shelter or take advantage of the moment to gain blackmail."

James nodded, silent for a moment. "I suggest the first option. Right now," he said eventually. "Also, Moony's in the kitchens, hiding from you. It should kick in..." he paused, glancing at his wristwatch. "Fuck. Ten seconds." He then proceeded to slam the door in his best friend's face and cast all the locking charms he knew on the doorknob.

Five minutes later, he collapsed on the bed closest to the door, having gone through all of Sirius' things and not finding anything of interest. "PADFOOT, I'M DYING," he shouted loudly, not caring if he wasn't heard.

"Why?" he heard through the door. He jumped up and stood next to his side of the door.

"BOREDOM," he complained loudly. "And there's also the fact that Moony did something (oddly, I can't remember what, but I know it had something to do with you) and made me lock you out of the dorms and now you're NOT HERE and I CAN'T UNDO THE LOCK," he emphasized this with a harsh tug on the doorknob, before continuing. "Why did I lock you out Pads? Why would I keep myself away from you? YOU? WHY?" he asked.

When he received no answer, he leaned against the door and entertained himself for five more minutes by summoning random items around the room.

"Padfoot," he eventually whined hopefully, "where are you?" he broke off with a pitiful moan. "Padfoot, I miss you." He turned and tugged once more at the doorknob. "It's still locked. Can you open it from your end?"

"Huh?" James perked up immediately at the sound of Sirius' voice on the other side of the door. "Sorry, I was playing Exploding Snap in the Common Room with Moony, Wormtail, and Evans," Sirius continued absentmindedly. "She's surprisingly civil when you're not around."

James paused in confusion. "Evans? But... You're-" he cut off suddenly in realization. "I AM GOING TO KILL MOONY. HOW THE FUCK DID I LOCK THIS DOOR? IT'S NOT UNLOCKING," he snarled, tugging on the doorknob again.

"What?" Sirius asked in alarm. "Why are you going to kill Moony? DON'T DO IT. DON'T KILL HIM. I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH."

"...You have horrible memory," James said in an exasperated voice after a moment's pause. "When I said, 'Padfoot, what would you do if Moony charmed me into believing you were Lily?', I was not being hypothetical. It wore off the second you said Evans cos it made me realize you AREN'T her," James explained with a growl, his voice leaking with annoyance. He rested his forehead against the door and closed his eyes before continuing. "I just spent the last few... Ten minutes, I think? Sitting in here all sad cos YOU weren't here. YOU. Not Lily. THAT'S why I'm going to kill Moony."

"Oh," Sirius replied with a laugh. "I have to go high-five him now."

James groaned. "I hate you."

"No, you luuuuuurve me," Sirius retorted in a sing-song voice.

"I. DO. NOT. LOVE. YOU," James snarled, pounding on the door with each word.

"Of course not!" Sirius told him with a laugh. "You luuuuuuuurve me."

"I DON'T LOVE YOU."

"I KNOW THAT," he said, raising his voice to match James'. "YOU LUUUUURVE ME. THERE'S A BLOODY DIFFERENCE."

"I DON'T 'LUUUUURVE' YOU."

Sirius scoffed and didn't respond, until he remembered something. "MY MEMORY IS NOT THAT BAD."

"YES IT IS," James replied mockingly.

"NO IT'S NOT," Sirius snapped. "Have you at least finally seen how pointless and stupid you are when you moon over her?"

James flushed in anger. "It's NOT pointless and stupid!"

"You thought it was pointless and stupid when it was ME you were talking to, you tosser," Sirius retorted bitingly.

"I NEVER SAID THAT," James snapped in offense. "It wasn't that it was pointless and stupid, it was that it was YOU I was mooning over," he trailed off for a moment. "Godric, I never thought I'd say that..."

There was no response.

After the silence dragged on too long, James spoke again. "Padfoot? Can you unlock the door? I promise not to kill Moony."

"But Evans and us are having such a wonderful time," Sirius deliberated.

James groaned. "Am I being punished or something? Tricked into mooning over you? Being locked in the dorm alone? While you guys are hanging out with Lily?" he sighed. "This has to be a punishment. But why?"

Again, there was no response.

"Please?" he pleaded. "Please let me out? Please, Pads? I'll behave, I promise!"

"Nah," Sirius drawled, "we're not chumming with your beloved Lily-kins, unless you consider her yelling at us as chumming... And I have no clue what you did to the door."

"Get Moony to open it? And why is she yelling at you?"

"Because we're 'disturbing the quiet'," Sirius explained sarcastically.

James furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "But you always do that..."

"Tell that to HER."

"SHE DOESN'T LISTEN TO ME," James said firmly.

"Your problem. Moony's here."

"MOONY," James exclaimed. "HELP ME. I LOCKED MYSELF IN."

"...That was the point," he heard Sirius say as Remus started muttering counter-charms on the lock.

James groaned again. "Why am I being punished?"

"You're lucky that Moony is more responsible than me..." Sirius grumbled.

"I promised to behave!" James reminded him. "Besides, why did I have to be locked up, anyway?"

"...You have bad memory."

James sighed. "Yes. I do. It's one of the many traits I share with you, Padfoot. AT LEAST I ADMIT IT. Now, tell me!"

"You locked yourself in so you wouldn't maul me like some lovesick puppy," Sirius told him.

James rolled his eyes. "I know THAT, you arse. But why did Moony charm me in the first place?"

He heard nothing from the other side of the door. "Padfoot? Pads? Why aren't you answering? Is Moony working on the lock? Padfoot?"

"Sorry," replied a breathless Sirius. "Couldn't concentrate with Moony looking so hot... Yeah, I think it's open now."

James yanked the door open. "It worked!" He lunged at his two friends and hugged them both. "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU." He turned to go to the common room, only to see everyone coming up to bed. "Gah, now it's time for bed. That sucks. I finally get out only to have to go back in... Y'know what, I'll sleep on the Common Room couch. I'm sick of this dorm room. Night Pads, Moony. See ya in the morning."

"Nighty-night!" Sirius called after him. Once he was gone, he turned to the boy next to him. "Moony, Pete is under the care of Madame Pomfrey. You are a genius."


End file.
